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Riding Hoods Anonymous/Transcript
Narrator: 'Once upon a time, there was a little girl who was called Red Riding Hood because she, uh...well, because she was, that's why. Anyway, one day, she was going through the woods to grandma's house to sell her a membership in the P.T.A. As she went, she sang a song. ['Red Riding Hood] La la la la la la la la la. Narrator: 'That's not much of a song. '''Red Riding Hood: '''Well, I'm not much of a singer. 'Riding Hood La la la la la la la la la Narrator: 'Now, although Red didn't know it, on the path up ahead, a wolf was waiting to, uh...to, uh... ''(the wolf recites a rhyme from a book) '''Wolf: ''(reading)'' '"I hereby swear that I'll be good / I will not eat a Riding Hood." '''Narrator: '''Uh, what's all this? '''Wolf: '''I just joined Riding Hoods Anonymous. '''Narrator: '''What? '''Wolf: '''I'm trying to kick the Riding Hood habit. ['Red Riding Hood] La la la la la la la la la (the wolf reads another rhyme)' Wolf: ''(reading) "When you see a Riding Hood / greet her as a friend, you should." ''(the wolf grabs Red Riding Hood by the neck) Wolf: 'Hello, Red Riding Hood! '''Red Riding Hood: '''Aah! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! ''(Red Riding Hood bites the wolf in the thumb; the confused wolf lets go and reads from his book) '''Wolf: ''(reading) "When you are misunderstood / extend you hand to Riding Hood." ''(the wolf extends his hand) Wolf: 'Put her there, pal! ''(Red Riding Hood beats the wolf's hand repeatedly with her basket) 'Wolf: '''Now, wait! Now, wait! Wait! ''(Red Riding Hood stops her basket attack) 'Wolf: '''We, Red. I'm a new wolf. I sworn off Riding Hoods. See? ''(the wolf shows Red Riding Hood his book) '''Wolf: ''"Words of Courage and Hope to Riding Hood Eaters."'' Red Riding Hood: ''(suspiciously) Is this on the level, wolf? '''Wolf: '''Sure. Listen here. ''(reading) ''"Stick with your promise not to eat. / Fight that urge for a Riding Hood Treat." '''Red Riding Hood: '''If you're really my friend, you'll buy a P.T.A. membership. '''Wolf: '''I'll take a dozen. I'll leave and deliver your bas-ket for you. Where's it go? '''Red Riding Hood: '''To Grandma's. It's a basket full of-- ''BOOM! (the basket explodes in the wolf's face) Red Riding Hood: '''...goodies. Sorry about that. That was my special wolf basket. Here's another one. '''Wolf: '''Uh, okay. '''Narrator: '''And the wolf set off towards Grandma's house. '''Wolf: ''(singsong voice) I'm gonna see your grandma. I'm gonna see your-- '''Narrator: '''But just then, a thought crossed his mind. '''Wolf: '''Hey, uh, let me see here. ''(studies his book) ''Just as I thought. "Though Riding Hoods you may not munch / there's nothing wrong with a Grandma lunch." ''(chuckles) ''Yeah. ''(singsong voice) ''I'm gonna eat a Grandma! I'm gonna eat a Grandma! ''(dissolve to Grandma in her house sweeping up) Narrator: 'But when Grandma heard the wolf coming... ''(the door opens and the wolf stops in front of Grandma) 'Wolf: '''Hey, you know what, Grandma? I'm gonna eat you! Right after I give you this bas-ket of-- ''BOOM! (the basket explodes in the wolf's face) 'Wolf: '...goodies. 'Grandma: '''Young man, you dropped your basket. Well, isn't this interesting. ''(the wolf grabs Grandma, ready to eat her) 'Wolf: '''You read for lunch now, Grandma? '''Grandma: '''Oh, but you've made a mistake. I'm not a Grandma, I'm a Riding Hood. ''That's ''a Grandma. ''(the camera pans to a picture of Red Riding Hood on the wall) '''Wolf: ''(suspiciously) If you're a Riding Hood, where are your P.T.A. tickets? '''Grandma: '''Riding Hoods don't sell P.T.A. tickets. They sell D.A.R. tickets. '''Wolf: '''D.A.R.? '''Grandma: '''Yes! Daughters of American Riding Hoods. '''Wolf: '''They do? '''Grandma: '''How many? '''Wolf: '''I'll take a dozen. '''Grandma: '''Good! ''(the wolf happily takes them, then he gets upset) Wolf: 'Now to get that doggone Grandma in the woods. '''Grandma: '''Fine. Here's a nice basket of goodies for her. ''(Grandma hands the wolf a new basket before he skips out of the house) '''Wolf: ''(singsong voice) I'm gonna eat a Grandma! I'm gonna eat a Grandma! ''(cut to Red Riding Hood where the wolf arrives) Wolf: 'Hey, Grandma, you told me a fib. '''Red Riding Hood: '''I did? '''Wolf: '''Yeah, you're aren't a real Riding Hood. I just ''saw ''a real Riding Hood, and she sent you this bas-ket of-- ''BOOM! (Red Riding Hood runs and hides before the sentence finishes and the basket explodes in the wolf's face again) 'Wolf: '...goodies. (Red Riding Hood takes the wolf's book and reads it) 'Red Riding Hood: '''Look, Wolf. Right here in your own book. See? ''That's ''a Grandma. ''(a picture of Grandma is shown in the book as the wolf reads again) '''Wolf: ''(reading) "Grandmas you can tell afar / they belong to D.A.R." ''(frustrated) ''Oh, darn her. '''Narrator: '''And the wolf sped back to Grandma's house. ''(the wolf reads his book again) Wolf: 'Let's see now. ''(reads) ''"When Grandmas turn their Riding Hoods / be a photographer in the woods." ''KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK (Grandma hears the knock and opens the door) 'Grandma: '''Yes? ''(the wolf is seen as a photographer with a pony and a camera) 'Wolf: '''Good morning, madam. If you're a Riding Hood, you can have your picture taken with a real Shetland pony. Free! '''Grandma: '''Sorry. I'm a Grandma. ''(the wolf grabs Grandma by the neck) 'Wolf: '''I knew it! Your time is up! ''(military music is heard) 'Grandma: '''You're right! Every second counts! '''Wolf: '''Yeah! It does? ''(Grandma, acting as a Colonel, hands another basket to the wolf) 'Grandma: '''You've got to get these dispatches to the front! You're the only one with a horse! Carry on! ''(Grandma does a salute as the wolf is on the pony, ready to ride) 'Wolf: '''Trust me, Colonel! ''(Grandma slaps the pony, causing the wolf to ride off into the woods, just as Red Riding Hood arrives) 'Red Riding Hood: '''Did the wolf get here yet, Grandma? '''Grandma: '''Oh, he's been and gone two times, child. I just sent him off with a package of-- ''BOOM! (the entire landscape is shaken by the sound of the explosion) 'Grandma: '...goodies. 'Red Riding Hood: '''Well, I guess he won't bother ''us ''anymore, and-- ''(Red Riding Hood and Grandma go inside the house, only to find the wolf waiting inside.) 'Wolf: '''Eh, you know? I've decided to quit Riding Hoods Anonymous. I'm gonna eat ''both ''of you! ''(the wolf advances on Red Riding Hood as she desperately tries to persuade him not to eat her) '''Red Riding Hood: '''Now, now, remember. "I pledge, I pledge, I will not eat / one Riding Hood can still defeat." '''Grandma: ''Run!'' (the wolf's teeth are bared as Red Riding Hood continues to try to persuade him) Red Riding Hood: '''"Every day in every way / I am not eating Riding Hoods." '''Grandma: ''RUN!'' (dramatic music is heard) Narrator: '''And Red Riding Hood and her grandmother dashed out of the house just one jump ahead of the wolf. Well...it looks as if nobody lives happily ever after. '''Wolf: ''(chuckles) I'' did. Narrator: ''(confused) You'' did? Wolf: '''Sure. I got to be a member of the P.T.A., and a member of the D.A.R., and, besides, I got these two hundred bas-kets full of-- ''BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!''' ''(all 200 baskets explode on the wolf, causing him to get charred and sport angel wings) 'Narrator: '...yeah, goodies. Well, I was right. Nobody lived happily ever after.